PANIC
(In memory of Florence B.)
“Will you please stop pacing?
Come here. (pats the chair seat) Sit down a minute. Why do you let these things bother you? Everything will be all right. You’ve been through this a hundred times. Stop worrying. I’m here for you.”
“But, I’m afraid. I’m really scared. Something terrible is going to happen. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I feel like my head is ready to explode. And it’s always there. It won’t leave me alone. And when I close my eyes, I can feel it breathing. Oh, this is terrible, I tell you. You just don’t know. I need help. I really need help.”
“That’s why I’m here, Florence. I came as soon as you called didn’t I? And I’m gonna see you through this. But, you’ve got to stop spending so much time alone. It isn’t good for you. You need to be around other people. You’re a social person, Florence. You have no business staying in your apartment all day and night staring at the walls thinking all kinds of things. It’s not healthy.”
“When is he going to call us in? I can’t stand this waiting. What makes you think he will even see us today? We don’t have an appointment. Oh God, I need help. I need help right now! (STANDS UP) Don’t they know that? Don’t they see how bad I am? I can’t sign all those forms. I can’t answer all those questions. Why do they need to know all that? Ask ME what’s wrong and I’ll tell them. I need help! Right now! Do you think they’re gonna send me away? I don’t even have any clean underwear because Rhonda took my clothes to be washed this morning and she won' t be back until 5:00. What time is it now? Do you think you could take me home to get my clothes?”
“Florence, why don’t you try to take in a deep breath. Like this. Breathe in slowly. Count 1-2-3-4. Now exhale v e r y s l o w l y. 1-2-3-4-5-6. Do it again. Slow…Think about pleasant things… Like being at the beach and watching the waves move in and out. Imagine all your worries leaving your body. All the stress…gone. And you are feeling very calm. Very calm…”(30 Second pause)
“Am I next? I saw that lady in the green sweater when we walked in and now I don’t see her. Do you think she got called in because if she did then we’re next. …But I can wait. I’m starting to feel better. I’m so happy you are here. You’re such a nice person. Did I ever tell you that before? Well, it’s true. My heart doesn’t feel like its racing anymore. Oh, I’m so glad you came.”
“You’ve had quite a day, haven’t you? Look here, you are sweating. (Cindy takes a kleenex from her purse and wipes Florence’s brow) All worked up over nothing. What got you so rattled? (Pause) Did you happen to remember to bring your pills? You know the doctor will want to see them. (Florence starts digging into her pockets) Well, don’t worry about it we will probably have to go back to your apartment and get your other things anyway. When did you say Rhonda was bringing your stuff back? You know you could save time if you just did your own wash. You have a machine right down the hall. It would be good exercise for you, Florence. You might even make some new friends.”
“I can’t do all that wash by myself! The basket is too heavy for me to carry. My legs aren’t that strong and I have arthritis in my hands. Besides, there are all sorts of strange people in that laundry room. I don’t trust them. Look! That lady in the green sweater just came out. I think I’m…”
“Florence… Would you come in please? Hello. How are you today?”
“Oh doctor. I need help real bad. Cindy knows. Ask her.”
“But I need to hear it from you, Florence. You can still talk can’t you? Tell me now, how are you doing?”
“My skin is crawling. I can’t stand it. My hands are cold. My legs are swollen. I feel dizzy and faint. I feel like I’m dying. Do you think I’m going to die?”
“No. I don’t think you’re going to die.”
“ But these dreams I have. They’re so frightening. And there’s my brother. I miss him so much, but he scares me because he won’t stop talking. And he tells me dreadful things. And those people on the news! They’re blowing each other up. I can’t believe they do such awful things to each other. People in the streets with guns and knives and fire. It’s like the end of the world.”
“Sound like you are watching too much television. I thought we discussed that last tine you were here? You need to get out more often. Enjoy the sunshine. Take a walk. Breathe in the fresh air.”
“But my ankles hurt, doctor. It’s so hard for me to walk. And I’m alone. I wish I had someone to walk with. My son used to come and see me, but he hasn’t come by in over a week. It’s so much fun when he comes. I just love to see him.”
“I’m happy for you. You seem calm when you talk about him.”
“Yes. He’s really good to me. I just wish he could be around all the time. But he’s got his problems too. I try not to bother him too much. He knows it hurts me when he doesn’t come by, so I try not to bring it up. But sometimes I can’t help it. He can be so selfish. I have to remind him once in a while that I am all alone. Besides, I was there for him when he was growing up. Its only fair…”
“But isn’t that what a mother does? He was a child.”
“Well, I suppose. Still, I think its good to remind him now and then. To let him know about all the things I gave up so that he could have a comfortable life. Did I ever tell you that I was in a beauty pageant? Only the most beautiful girls were chosen to be in it and I won first place. I still have my trophy on my coffee table at home. So many girls were envious. But obviously, I had something they didn’t. Clearly the judges saw that, because they picked me out of fifty girls. What a thrill it was!”
(Florence stands up ready to leave)
“Where are you going, Florence?”
“I feel better, doctor. I really do. I should go home. I don’t need to be here. Cindy, don’t you think its time to go? I don’t want to waste the doctor’s time. There are lots of other patients out there that need more help than me.”
“Why don’t we finish talking… just a few more minutes. Why don’t you come back and sit down.”
(Cindy) “Yes, I think that’s a good idea, Flo. Come back and sit down. You were so upset when you called me.”
“Well, it all seems so silly now. I think I just got myself in a panic is all. But it’s gone now. I think all that counting and breathing that Cindy had me doing calmed me down. I feel perfectly fine. I just want to go home even though I do get sick of that place. I need to get involved with something instead of waiting around for my son to call me. I mean it’s ridiculous. Sometimes I think he needs more help than me. And these little white pills you gave me help too. I took one after I got here and now I feel much better.”
“ Are you sure you don’t want to come into the hospital for just a few days. We could make sure you’re all right.”
“I don’t have my things with me. I was telling Cindy that I didn’t have any underwear. Do you really think I need to be here, doctor?”
“Well, a few days probably wouldn’t hurt. Even as you sit there now, I can see your hands are shaking. When did you say that neighbor would be finished with your clothes? Maybe Cindy can take you to get them and bring you back.”
“I’m hungry. Do you think I could get something to eat while we’re out? I could call Rhonda and find out when she’ll be done with my clothes. We could wait for her at my apartment, Cindy. It won’ t be long. I could get my trophy and show the doctor so he wouldn’t think I was telling stories.”
“ Pack an overnight bag. You know, a few essentials then come back. We’ll be waiting for you and take care of the rest.”
“Can I call my son? Let him know where I’ll be? He’ll get worried if he calls and I don’t answer. Would that be ok? My hair is such a mess too. I didn’t get chance to go to the beauty parlor. I just didn’t care. And Cindy keeps telling me I need a manicure. Do you think my nails look bad?”
“Florence, stop. You’ve got to stop worrying. No one is concerned how you look here. You need to relax. Not be so concerned with all these things. You can take care of all that later. For now, I’d like you to go with Cindy and come back in an hour. Do you think you can do that?”
“Doctor, you are so kind. Handsome too. Don’t you think so Cindy? I feel like you understand everything. I always feel better when I talk with you. Did you get a chance to visit with your kids this year? I know you took that trip to Vegas again. Was it nice? Did you have a good time? You took your wife, didn’t you? I mean you did say you were married, right? I was married twice. But my husbands were mean. They drank. They beat me. I don’t drink. I never have. Do you drink doctor?”
“That’s a lot of questions at once, Florence. And I do have other patients. But thanks for asking. Yes, I had a wonderful trip. And I did take my wife. It was good to see my grandson. He’ll be two in the spring. We spent most of our time putting in a new sump pump. Do you know what a sump pump is, Betty. It’s a lot work. We worked for two days in the heat.”
“I feel so tired, doctor. All of the sudden I feel faint. Do you think that’s normal? Do you think I will be able to rest if I come back? After I eat, will they let me lie down? I think I need some rest. Will I have my own room, because I really can’t stand having a roommate. Will that be a problem doctor? I really need some help. I understand that now. I’m trusting that you know best. Do you know best? You’ve never let me down. But it’s hard for me, you know? I feel like I’m giving up coming here. Like I’m some hopeless case or something? Is that what you think doctor? That I’m hopeless? I really think I need some rest now. Cindy, will you come and see me when I’m here? You won’t abandon me, will you? You know Cindy maybe you better just go and get my things at home. I don’t think I can make it. Do you mind? I’ll be here. Will that be ok doctor? I just want to be ok. I’d give anything to feel good again.
What do you think doctor? Will I be ok?”
LEAPING
It was over. Sherri hated to tell the others, but the fire was closer. Time was running out and the clock ticking 10:45. A world was coming down around her. Coming down on them too. All seemed lost in noise and crashing metal. Nothing seemed right. And keeping her appointment now was out of the question.
Nervously, she bit her lip. A habit she found difficult to break since high school.
Impossible now, as she bit down again. The waiting seemed endless…waiting for what? All she knew was that she needed to hang on as long as she could. Smoke was filling the hall. She could hear the screams. Keep the door shut…Just keep the door shut!
Odd now, thinking that her life could mean so much. Their life too. She had the others to think about. They were all in it together. What to do. What to do?? Sherri remembered her friend, Toby, who asked her once if she thought he had lived a wasted life. Taken slightly aback, she laughed saying, “Don’t be ridiculous, Toby. Of course you haven’t.”
But he insisted. “What have I done, Sherri of any real value or contribution to the world? I haven’t cured anyone. I haven’t written any great compositions. I haven’t made any discoveries. No major contributions to the world. I haven’t done anything except work in this lousy building running errands for everybody else.”
“Well, you do get up every morning. You do come to work, don’t you? If that’s not important to you, it certainly is to everybody else around here.”
Sherri remembered Toby’s smile. She knew he needed to hear that.
She was thinking of her dreams of flying. Her arms stretched out wide. Her head held high she would leap from ledges, building tops and ladders. It was an exhilarating experience. As she looked out now, she wondered if the currents were ripe for flight. Toby told her that dreams of flying meant that she was experiencing astral travel. Where the spirit leaves the body and moves around freely in another dimension. Where there is no pain, no injury or fear…
It was a comforting thought. And she hoped to God it was true.
It amazed Sherri that ballerinas could leap so high and not get hurt. Once during a racketball match, she leaped so high to hit the ball that she came down hard on the wood floor. The wind was knocked out of her and she was flat on her back. Her friend, Susan, stood over her talking about ankles. “You can’t expect to play racketball with weak ankles like yours. You need strong, thick ankles.”
And so, Sherri never played again. Or even thought about it. She knew Susan was a great athlete. A great player and she didn’t have a chance.
But now, she was reconsidering. It occurred to her that maybe Susan was wrong. Maybe she could do it. Weak ankles and all. Just one leap. One BIG leap. What’s the worse that could happen? That she/they wouldn’t make it? By the looks of things it didn’t seem like much of a chance for that anyway. It would be quick, she thought. She would close her eyes. She would tell the others to do the same. Maybe they could hold hands and on the count of three…1-2-3…they would leap. She would tell them, someone will catch them. Yes, she thought. A whole bunch of people will stand close together with outstretched arms and break their fall.
When Sherri opened the window she heard sounds of trucks and sirens. The smoke was rising making it impossible to see the people below. But she knew they were there. They had to be. And now the door was opening and her co-workers came running toward her. “There’s no where to go!” Sherri quickly grabbed the nearest hand and told everyone to pair up. Above her the sky was cornflower blue. The sun was shining the brightest yellow. She thought, it was a good day. The currents were ripe for leaping… knowing it was the only thing left to do.
© 2004 Dorothea Polite